Old Life vs. New Adventures

HOME...

That is a strong word. That word has so many meanings. Everyone has their own definition or preception of what "Home" means. I know mine is probably very similar to a lot of peoples and then to others completely foreign.

Simply put, I haven't felt at home since I lived in my childhood house. I was there for the first 16 years of my life. My parents separated and I started living at my grandmother's. Not to say that her house wasn't nice, it was, it was plenty big and safe and kept me well fed and comfortable while I was in highschool. we moved out when I was about 17 to an apartment across town. I never really thought about how tough it was for my mother to be paying rent on her salary, I never was a child to ask for all the expensive things. But, as I grew up, and learned how much my mother made, it wasn't enough to keep us afloat, but it always seemed to.

I moved around a lot for the next few years. All within my home town, I think I moved a total of 7 times in 4 years once. It was insane, I would never fully unpack. Something I still do to this day, I keep things in boxes, always fearing the temporary status of my apartment. I never move someplace that feels good. Always what I can afford, or where I can have my dog. Things like that. But, none the less, always searching for that elusive word... Home.

I currently live about 15 miles away from my family. My mother, my fathers, my brother and baby niece. They haven't ventured more than 5 minutes from where I grew up. I live a whopping 20 minutes from where I was born. When I go back to that small town it feels alien, things are slower, there aren't many vegetarian options and there isn't a good music store. How could I have lived there for 21 years!!! Well, I didn't know any better..

Right now, i'm living in a small struggling city, population over 60 thousand. Our claims to fame are our brewery, or strange foods and the fact that we have a fictional office on the television show "The Office" that they mention and plot against from time to time. Also, a handful of professional athletes hail from this town. Other than that, I think it's your average small city. Good parts, bad parts, coffee houses, roller derby teams and lots and lots of cover bands. People come here to start over, and they fall in a rut. I've been here for about 10 years. It hasn't gotten any better and it hasn't gotten any worse.

So on to what i'm trying to get at. I'm thinking about moving. I'm not leaving New York State, I'm actually very proud to have been born and raised here. I'm thinking of moving a few hours west. A city i've been visiting lately, I don't much know the lay of the land yet, but my friends sing it's praises quite often. Just like every other city it has it's issues, but, I think it may be a good place to be for a little while.

I haven't discussed it much with my family. I'm sure my brother will be mad i'd be missing out on my nieces childhood, but, i'll still be around for birthdays and events and weekends from time to time. I'm not falling off the earth, just relocating myself a few counties over. My mother and father(s) would probably celebrate me getting out of here, I can keep my job that i've had for over 7 years by participating in the remote worker program. Basically, they give me the computer and monitors and some crazy phone and say "see ya later" Shouldn't be an issue right?

Well, what happens when all that you've known, and all that is comfortable is finally lost? I will not be alone there. I would be living with and enjoying the company of my lady friend. But, I don't know my way around, I wouldn't have to travel for work, I would have a few friends there for get togethers and what not, but my main question, the thing that eats away at me. The one burning question that makes me nervous about the whole thing! Can I handle being me, in a place where no one knows who I am. Wow! I said it, that sounds so egotystical. But, in a sense, it's true. To quote the famed television show "Cheers" theme song :

"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go,
Where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows Your name.
You wanna go where people know, people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knowsyour name. "

It's a lot longer than I remember, but it makes a great point, taken out of my comfort zone, will I be able to be me. Am I still me? I'm sure I am. But still, one has to think, and obviously worry.

I'll keep you updated on future freak outs.

A Fresh Start

This blog has gotten away from me. I know that no one reads it, I am completely at peace with that. In fact, this was created as a way for me to talk without having anyone listen.

I always wanted a blog where I could talk about guitars and records and all the things I enjoyed in life, but instead, I started a blog in an attempt to get to know myself better and after a minor bout of heartbreak. It has since passed and i'm doing quite well thank you. I will probably go back and delete the dramatic posts that preceded this one. But, maybe it is all a part of the journey (so to speak)

I find myself growing old, I find myself growing up and most importantly moving on.

I've always wondered why some things have remained important to me over the years while I've let some things fall by the way side. Why relationships fade out and why new ones are built in the crumbles of past friendships. It's all very interesting i'm sure, the inner workings of our minds, our souls, everything that makes us human. The longing, the caring, and yes the Heart break as well.

Over the next few weeks or months and possibly years, I hope to make this blog something regular that I use, I hope that some people may read it and enjoy it. I hope that someone will look to it like I look to others.

It might turn into more of a "things I like vs. things I don't" type of blog. Or, maybe i'll be too busy living my life to remember the password.

Either way, I win.