Reality vs. Blinders - Who shall win?

I started this entry in November, I now find that I'm finishing it in a completely different year. Time goes by so quickly, ah the perfect setting for this post.

I was watching a movie, the man was going over all the details of a relationship that he had been in 15 years prior, They're sitting in a cafe over coffee, he's sitting there longingly gazing at her siting specific days and things that they did, and the emotions attached to those days. All the while she was acting like she had no clue what he was saying... She didn't remember the events and didn't seem too interested in what he was talking about. It was as if the things that had changed his life, and stuck with him through all the years were just a blur of for her. Just common days spent with someone. Nothing significant.

After she expressed that she didn't remember these things, which to him were monumental events, he said something that stuck with me.

"That was a big relationship for me"

The way we perceive things is a powerful thing. Especially what we decide to attach intense emotions to. A relationship, a conversation, a special day. These may have been common place occurrences for someone else, but how we perceive them shapes us and can almost change our futures.

That hit me like a ton of bricks. I had the proverbial flash of my life, as if these were my last moments. My past flew by like a film strip held up to the light for inspection. My past relationships, my important conversations, my defining moments and then I wondered. Were those all one sided?

I have concluded that this is something to not spend much time on. The past is simply that, the past. And it's with eyes focused forward that we get anywhere and become who we want. While our pasts shape us. They do not in any way define our futures. They are just a way for us to learn from our mistakes and experiences and to move on.

Fall in Light

Fall...

This is my favorite season of the year. It always comes with such sorrow though, I know that winter is fast approaching and being that I live in central New York, that means I have about 4-6 months of intense winters to look forward to. In other words, Fall is the proverbial "Death Rattle" for good weather.

People mark the passing of time many different ways, years go by so fast as you grow older. This past year has been some what of a blur for me. Marked with little flashes of light. I saw some good shows, met some of my favorite musicians, reunited with a few older ones, and visited states and cities I'd never been to before. I saw an ocean and a few large lakes. It was fun, it was tragic at times and for the most part, fulfilling and happy. But, alas the vicious cycle starts over again.

I hope this year, fall lasts forever. One can hope right?

Old Life vs. New Adventures

HOME...

That is a strong word. That word has so many meanings. Everyone has their own definition or preception of what "Home" means. I know mine is probably very similar to a lot of peoples and then to others completely foreign.

Simply put, I haven't felt at home since I lived in my childhood house. I was there for the first 16 years of my life. My parents separated and I started living at my grandmother's. Not to say that her house wasn't nice, it was, it was plenty big and safe and kept me well fed and comfortable while I was in highschool. we moved out when I was about 17 to an apartment across town. I never really thought about how tough it was for my mother to be paying rent on her salary, I never was a child to ask for all the expensive things. But, as I grew up, and learned how much my mother made, it wasn't enough to keep us afloat, but it always seemed to.

I moved around a lot for the next few years. All within my home town, I think I moved a total of 7 times in 4 years once. It was insane, I would never fully unpack. Something I still do to this day, I keep things in boxes, always fearing the temporary status of my apartment. I never move someplace that feels good. Always what I can afford, or where I can have my dog. Things like that. But, none the less, always searching for that elusive word... Home.

I currently live about 15 miles away from my family. My mother, my fathers, my brother and baby niece. They haven't ventured more than 5 minutes from where I grew up. I live a whopping 20 minutes from where I was born. When I go back to that small town it feels alien, things are slower, there aren't many vegetarian options and there isn't a good music store. How could I have lived there for 21 years!!! Well, I didn't know any better..

Right now, i'm living in a small struggling city, population over 60 thousand. Our claims to fame are our brewery, or strange foods and the fact that we have a fictional office on the television show "The Office" that they mention and plot against from time to time. Also, a handful of professional athletes hail from this town. Other than that, I think it's your average small city. Good parts, bad parts, coffee houses, roller derby teams and lots and lots of cover bands. People come here to start over, and they fall in a rut. I've been here for about 10 years. It hasn't gotten any better and it hasn't gotten any worse.

So on to what i'm trying to get at. I'm thinking about moving. I'm not leaving New York State, I'm actually very proud to have been born and raised here. I'm thinking of moving a few hours west. A city i've been visiting lately, I don't much know the lay of the land yet, but my friends sing it's praises quite often. Just like every other city it has it's issues, but, I think it may be a good place to be for a little while.

I haven't discussed it much with my family. I'm sure my brother will be mad i'd be missing out on my nieces childhood, but, i'll still be around for birthdays and events and weekends from time to time. I'm not falling off the earth, just relocating myself a few counties over. My mother and father(s) would probably celebrate me getting out of here, I can keep my job that i've had for over 7 years by participating in the remote worker program. Basically, they give me the computer and monitors and some crazy phone and say "see ya later" Shouldn't be an issue right?

Well, what happens when all that you've known, and all that is comfortable is finally lost? I will not be alone there. I would be living with and enjoying the company of my lady friend. But, I don't know my way around, I wouldn't have to travel for work, I would have a few friends there for get togethers and what not, but my main question, the thing that eats away at me. The one burning question that makes me nervous about the whole thing! Can I handle being me, in a place where no one knows who I am. Wow! I said it, that sounds so egotystical. But, in a sense, it's true. To quote the famed television show "Cheers" theme song :

"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go,
Where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows Your name.
You wanna go where people know, people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knowsyour name. "

It's a lot longer than I remember, but it makes a great point, taken out of my comfort zone, will I be able to be me. Am I still me? I'm sure I am. But still, one has to think, and obviously worry.

I'll keep you updated on future freak outs.

A Fresh Start

This blog has gotten away from me. I know that no one reads it, I am completely at peace with that. In fact, this was created as a way for me to talk without having anyone listen.

I always wanted a blog where I could talk about guitars and records and all the things I enjoyed in life, but instead, I started a blog in an attempt to get to know myself better and after a minor bout of heartbreak. It has since passed and i'm doing quite well thank you. I will probably go back and delete the dramatic posts that preceded this one. But, maybe it is all a part of the journey (so to speak)

I find myself growing old, I find myself growing up and most importantly moving on.

I've always wondered why some things have remained important to me over the years while I've let some things fall by the way side. Why relationships fade out and why new ones are built in the crumbles of past friendships. It's all very interesting i'm sure, the inner workings of our minds, our souls, everything that makes us human. The longing, the caring, and yes the Heart break as well.

Over the next few weeks or months and possibly years, I hope to make this blog something regular that I use, I hope that some people may read it and enjoy it. I hope that someone will look to it like I look to others.

It might turn into more of a "things I like vs. things I don't" type of blog. Or, maybe i'll be too busy living my life to remember the password.

Either way, I win.

Heartbreak...

Everyone goes through "Heartbreak" at some point in their life. It could be losing a lover, a family member or even a close friend. Sometimes it comes out of no where at all. Some people suffer with Depression and anxiety disorders that push them into almost paralyzing states of sadness and confusion. I've never been one to say what someone is feeling isn't real. I think there is a lot of "blurring of the edges" when it comes to love and lust and the need and want for attention vs. the pure feelings of love. But, none the less. I'll never say one's pain isn't real.

We all feel it in different ways. I tend to have a sick feeling in my stomach all the time until one day, it's gone. It's not to say that I can't experience joy and laughter and fun during these bouts of sadness. But, even when I'm laughing or having a good time, there is that tightness in my stomach, that pressure in my chest, that overall uneasy feeling that something isn't right. That something is missing. That, I need something.

Right now, I have a heavy heart. Someone I care about very much is leaving my city and is moving away. We have decided to call it quits. Not because the emotions or intensity isn't there. Not because we don't love each other. But because, she needs to find herself. This is something I respect and will never hold against her. She feels like she is abandoning me. I can see to the outsider how it will look like that. Hell, it may even feel like that sometimes. But, I know that above all else, above love and loyalty. She needs to make herself happy if she is to be good for anyone. Including me, and including herself.

This doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. Because it does, it just means I'll need a lot of time to be back to the way I was before. Without the rocks in my stomach. Without the sick feeling. But, will I ever be the same? I think every experience changes you a little for the better, for the worse. Both. It's strange, when you think about yourself before and after every relationship you've had, even if it is just friendship, you are different. I would like to think that I am a better person for knowing her. For being with her. For her loving me. I would hope, that in her best thoughts of me, that she feels the same.

To quote the singer/songwriter Bill Maloney:

"When you're talking about love and all that stuff. You better bring your thickest skin"

I think that sums it up. You have to be ready for love. Every facet of it. Every twist and turn every ending and every new beginning. I like to go face first into everything. Even love, i don't think I'd be doing it any justice if I didn't go at it with everything I've got. I think that's what makes me who I am, or at least I'd like to think so.

Snow Days

Something odd happened tonight. I had the sudden urge to go outside and play in the snow. Now, growing up, that would have been common place. I probably couldn't wait to run outside and jump in the fresh snow. Only after being bundled up by my mother of course. I don't remember too many specific memories in the snow besides being at my grandmothers or sledding in the backyard. But I know I enjoyed it back then. That is something I've lost with age. Maybe everyone does.

It most likely has to do with being an adult. I'm responsible for getting my car cleared off and making sure there is a walk way so I can take my dog out. Who seems to be hating the snow more and more in his old age as well.

When I came up the stairs to enter the apartment, I stopped when I first got in the door. Something wasn't right. Then it hit me. I'm not a kid anymore.

I remember the "procedure" for coming inside from being out in the snow. My mother would promptly stop me at the door. Send me back out onto the front porch where she would grab the broom. She would say "turn"! I would then slowly turn around in clockwise circles while she brushed all the snow off me. Or enough to at least let me in the house. Then I would take off my snowy clothes. That's when I'd start to feel my skin get all warm. Sometimes with pins and needles. So warm it almost hurt. Like a sun burn. I remember getting into sweats and sitting in front of the television to recover from those adventures in the snow. Those were good days.

I realized how funny I must have looked. when in my first 3 steps outside I totally slipped on the wet packy snow and fell onto my side. I didn't jump right up and dust myself off and look around to see if anyone had seen me. I genuinely laughed at myself laying there in the drive way on my back and then when sitting on my knees.

However, that fun didn't last when I realized I should probably brush off my car so that in the morning it won't take me an hour. It didn't however, stop me from wishing for a snow day tomorrow.

I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, my beard full of water droplets from the snow that had minutes before been there. I didn't notice my red cold cheeks until after. I noticed that I hadn't been out in the snow for a long time. Even if it was only for 20 minutes or so, and my hands hurt from not wearing gloves. It was something that I had lost. A little Peter Pan complex maybe? Have I forgotten how to have fun? Have I really gotten that old? It's the sad truth. But, yes. I have.

I guess you lose a little of your magic as time goes on. I'm not OK with that, so, I think I'm going to try and get some of it back.

The Perils of being an adult.

There is a strange sadness i've had to rediscover over the past decade or so of my life. But only every few years.(thankfully)The sensation of having to sleep in your own bed again after not having slept in it on a regular basis for say in this case, 5 + months.

It's as if you're just finding out that you've never really liked your bed. In fact, you down right loathe your bed. But, ironically enough, you'll be spending all your free time for the next few months hibernating in it. It's a love-hate relationship we all go through. How is the one thing we hate so much the first thing we run to in the depths of our sadness or heart brokeness?

It's simple. We all need to feel loved, and somehow. Even a crappy bed provides a slight amount of comfort when we need it most.

I just said something to a friend the other day that I found to be rather profound for me, It's on the topic of relationships. She thought she was too damaged from past relationships to be any good at them anymore. This is what I told her.

"Maybe you don't have to be good at them with the right person. Maybe they're just good for you at that point"

I had never thought about it like that. People walk around with baggage all the time. It weighs them down, it makes it hard for them to have effective relationships when all they really need to do is just be in one. The healing will happen. It's just how open you are to the healing that matters. Hmmm That is something to think about.

It's hard being an adult sometimes. It has tendency to sneak up on us, especially when we least expect it. I recently became an uncle. Me! an uncle. That kind of blew my mind. I recall sitting at the table talking to my close friend. Then it hit me. We had been at that same table in her parents kitchen 10 years earlier doing the same exact thing. I asked her mother if she found it strange. She said something to the effect of "well, you were kids then, and now you're all grown up. But, you're still kids to me" I found that some what appropriate.

Being an adult means you make the right decisions (or try to). You stand up for what you believe in and you treat people right. At least, I think that is what it is supposed to feel like. But, as I near the age of 30 I feel like i'm no better off than my parents where when I was a little kid. My parents were 30 when I was 5ish. That is scary. I can't imagine even having a baby let alone a 5 year old.

Am I truly getting old?

The Beginning...

Is this where I introduce this blog and talk about myself?


The idea came to me the other day to actually start a blog. I read them from time to time and I guess I always looked at them with a kind of "pedestal" type view. I thought, wow! these people really have something to say. I should pay attention.

But, I think in creating one, it isn't that much more different than a livejournal or an opendiary. Both of which I have used for many years. Is this going to be a long tweet? One may never know.

I guess I just wanted to feel like a grown up. Grown ups write blogs right? Hmmm I'll soon find out. Is me abandoning my moniker of 12+ years (strangebirdsir) a sign that i'm ready to move on? I once read that changing your screen name was about the same as changing your social security number. I couldn't agree more. Is this my "new side project" ? Am I cheating on my band? Myself? haha I guess we'll have to see.

I'm realizing that this first entry has taken multiple days to get out and it is still no better than when it first started. I guess it's one of those times where it feels good just to talk about nothing. I hope that this blog will have more than that going forward. I have visions of reviews and indepth and introspective rants. All those typical things you'd think of a blog containing. I think the word Blog by itself is appealing in some way.

To sum this up. I am just someone that is writing what is going on. It's nothing new, it's nothing original. This is for me to find an outlet that is less harsh than a pen and paper. I will update often, and then not at all. I come and go. I get excited about things and forget about them just as fast.

thank you if you've made it this far.