Heartbreak...

Everyone goes through "Heartbreak" at some point in their life. It could be losing a lover, a family member or even a close friend. Sometimes it comes out of no where at all. Some people suffer with Depression and anxiety disorders that push them into almost paralyzing states of sadness and confusion. I've never been one to say what someone is feeling isn't real. I think there is a lot of "blurring of the edges" when it comes to love and lust and the need and want for attention vs. the pure feelings of love. But, none the less. I'll never say one's pain isn't real.

We all feel it in different ways. I tend to have a sick feeling in my stomach all the time until one day, it's gone. It's not to say that I can't experience joy and laughter and fun during these bouts of sadness. But, even when I'm laughing or having a good time, there is that tightness in my stomach, that pressure in my chest, that overall uneasy feeling that something isn't right. That something is missing. That, I need something.

Right now, I have a heavy heart. Someone I care about very much is leaving my city and is moving away. We have decided to call it quits. Not because the emotions or intensity isn't there. Not because we don't love each other. But because, she needs to find herself. This is something I respect and will never hold against her. She feels like she is abandoning me. I can see to the outsider how it will look like that. Hell, it may even feel like that sometimes. But, I know that above all else, above love and loyalty. She needs to make herself happy if she is to be good for anyone. Including me, and including herself.

This doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. Because it does, it just means I'll need a lot of time to be back to the way I was before. Without the rocks in my stomach. Without the sick feeling. But, will I ever be the same? I think every experience changes you a little for the better, for the worse. Both. It's strange, when you think about yourself before and after every relationship you've had, even if it is just friendship, you are different. I would like to think that I am a better person for knowing her. For being with her. For her loving me. I would hope, that in her best thoughts of me, that she feels the same.

To quote the singer/songwriter Bill Maloney:

"When you're talking about love and all that stuff. You better bring your thickest skin"

I think that sums it up. You have to be ready for love. Every facet of it. Every twist and turn every ending and every new beginning. I like to go face first into everything. Even love, i don't think I'd be doing it any justice if I didn't go at it with everything I've got. I think that's what makes me who I am, or at least I'd like to think so.